just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
