I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
