you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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