i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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