if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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