I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
