It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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