You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
