Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
