the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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