My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
