My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
