I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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