the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
