I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
