Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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