Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize