I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize
