im drinking this country out of the recession.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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