she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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