People in love make me want to vomit
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
