Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize
