Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
