My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
