I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
