i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
