I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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