So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
