It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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