some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
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