it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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