After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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