So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
