whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
