I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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