I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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