So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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