Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize