You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
