I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
