So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
