I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
