Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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