Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
