I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
