This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
