apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
