Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Couch. On fire.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
