you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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