It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
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