im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize