I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Randomize
