i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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