The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
