i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
