he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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