I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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