From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
