i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
