well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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