you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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